High Pressure Hero

Wed, Dec/05/2012 By: george

I want to tell you a story. It's a story of an American hero. There is a machine known as the pressure fryolator. If you don't know what that is, take the meanings of those two words, and combine them. (It's a fryolator that's under pressure) The pressure fryolator is what KFC uses to make their chicken so delicious, and what Chick-fil-a uses to make theirs so hateful. Just kidding, they use pressure religion. Anyway, since the pressure fryolator exists that means someone invented it, and that man is an American hero.

I say "man" because Milton Randolph sounds like a man's name, and I say Milton Randolph because I made up that name based on the names of some towns near where I grew up. Sometime long ago, Milton was enjoying smoking cigarettes without regret or whatever they did in the 60s, and he said to himself "gee, this vat of boiling oil sure seems dangerous, if only somehow we could put it under pressure, it might make better chicken"

Any rational person would say that putting several gallons of 300 degree oil was unwise, and possibly a threat to society. But not Milton, and he set to work.

Here is where the real heroism comes in, because you don't build something like the pressure fyolator without being horribly burned many many times. Like all great inventions, there had to be a point where it looked hopeless. Now aparently Thomas Edison was a real piece of shit, but while inventing the light-bulb, he tried hundreds of different designs before he got it working. Imagine that process, but sometimes when it doesn't work you get sprayed with hot oil. So for Milton, there had to be a point where it looked hopeless. His body covered with burns. His marriage in shambles. The ashed of his house still smoldering from the grease fire that destroyed his family (I'm assuming). And he could have stopped at any point, and we still would have had fried chicken. Do you get that? WE ALREADY HAD FRIED CHICKEN.

But Milton didn't stop. He re-applied that bandages to the burns that would end up claiming his legs (again, I am just assuming), picked up a screwdriver in one hand, and a chicken thigh in the other, and he got back to fucking work.

And that is why fried chicken is a ever-so-slightly better than it otherwise would be, and why the US is the greatest country in the world.

Pack it in, Drawstring Backpack

Sat, Aug/11/2012 By: george

There is probably no piece of apparel I dislike quite as much as the drawstring backpack. In the past year I have received 2 of these, both from groups or companies for which I harbor no ill will. But the product itself is so sleazy that it's borderline upsetting. In a way it shows some of the horrible trends in our society.

Many things have their crappy versions (to varying degrees). Food is good, fast food, not so much. The US is made up of the North and the South. The The Postal Service has it's Owl City. And the noble backpack now includes a product who's purpose is to advertise networks on deep cable.

Why get upset at this? Obviously people are going to manufacture versions of things that suck right? And if someone is getting some use out of it, what's the harm? Well I think about shitty versions of things, this is going too far. Cheap crap products usually offer at least 20% of the functionality of the quality one. The drawstring backpack offerers almost none.

Most of the crap given out as swag you can get some use out of. The TSA pen I got at a job fair? I probably used it to draw a picture of a butt. The WBRU bottle opener given to me outside a liquor store? Still on my key-chain. The AFL-CIO drawstring backpack full of travel size toiletries? In the garbage after trying to use it to hold said toiletries and them opening up and leaking inside it. Oh and slicing my finger open through the bag since it offers no protection from the safety razor I stored inside.

What good is a backpack who's shape after filling it will change with every motion, deforming any paper inside, say for example your resume. Try putting anything heavy inside it and it's thin straps will dig into your shoulders. Put anything vulnerable inside it, and it will be crushed. Put more than 10 things inside and you'll find yourself dumping the contents out every time you want something.

It may be worthless as a backpack, but at least it's cool to get free with an size Triple XL promotional t-shirt right? Made in china from plastic, with an unremovable logo, and not easily recycled? It leaves almost everything to be desired.

And I know what your thinking "But George, what will I carry my dirty clothes and stick of off-brand deodorant back from the gym in while simultaneously advertising a collage I didn't attend?" First think about this. That bag makes you look foolish. Don't believe me? Imagine someone well dressed, then take that outfit and add a drawstring backpack. Yeah that's what I thought. Anyone using one would look 10 times better not using one.

So what to use instead? Depending on the amount of stuff you have, get a nice Dopp Kit , a messenger bag, or just a regular fucking backpack. Remember those? Even that ubiquitous LLBean backpack in that dirty forest green color (that they don't offer anymore thank god) with someone else's initials in it would be better than a drawstring backpack.

In conclusion, do you remember starting the last paragraph of essays in middle school with "in conclusion"? Don't support the making of these shitty bags. That's all. Goodnight.

California in Song

Tue, Jul/31/2012 By: george

This week I took a break from adding additions to my super desk. A second level on the desk for podcasting equipment. Sounds safe right? Nothing better than homemade furniture.

To accompany this I had been listing to a number of shows, but I decided to take break from listening to On The Media (which is an amazing show about the media) and put on the song "California Stars". And while searching for it, decided to just play every song on my computer with 'California' in the title, then write some commentary on the blog for each one in real time (as they played), so here goes:

Haybale - California Wine

I got this song as part of downloading every sample song submitted to artists preforming at South By South West. I don't believe I've heard it before. So far it's ok, kinda country. Oh it's just got even more country, a lyric started with "an momma said" and also mentioned "daddy". Oh I guess this guy moved away from the country to California, as though it's some terrible source of debauchery. He was sipping on that 'California wine'. Wait no, it was their dad. He just left them, I guess it's a story. His dad wanted to find a girl with 'flowers in her hair', so I guess his dad couldn't live with their conservative family. Now his mother is claiming that the dad didn't find piece of mind by moving to California, as if he would have had he stuck around in Kansas or wherever this takes place. That mom needs to be more supportive I think, maybe moving to California with the family would be an option? Anyway the song is ending. It was ok I guess.

The Beach Boys - California Girls

Ah that old classic, about how the members of the beach boys have fucked all sorts of different girls while touring the country. The Midwest farmer's daughters "make you feel alright", yeah we all know what that means. The west-coast has the sunshine and the girls get tan, cause apparently they don't even do it on purpose. I've always been confused when he says "I wish they all could be California girls?" Is he saying that he wishes all the girls could be more like the ones in California, or that California could provide the diversity of women the rest of the country has to offer?, Or that all the girls in the world could just live in California so that he could treat them all like objects instead of having to travel the country obsessing over acoustics. Anyway the song ended, I'm over it

Wilco and Billy Brag - California Stars

Even though I had heard this song before, they played it on the speakers at work when I first started at Starbucks, and started to really like it. Luckily they took it off rotation before I got sick of it. The words are by Woody Guthrie, which explains why they are so good. I don't usually care for Wilco, and the name Billy Brag annoys me, but I actually really like this song. I've heard most of Mermaid Avenue, but really only care for this song. I plan to listen to it more, maybe something else is good. "California stars they hang light grapes" is a very evocative line, although because I live in smog-ridden LA, I can only see a small handful of stars at night, and most of those are planets, or Kelsey Grammer who comes into my work all the time now. Wow this is a long song, I am still writing about it and it's just barely ending.

Frank Zappa - If We'd All Be Living In California

This is a clip of Zappa and the band arguing. The audio is from some film he did. They are arguing about how much work the band is getting, and how it would be different had they been living in California.

Gipsy Kings - Hotel California

This is a great cover of the song Hotel California, mostly in Spanish. It comes from my copy of The Big Lebowski Soundtrack.

Very lively, with cool Spanish guitar. Oh now it's getting slower, I wish I spoke Spanish. I wonder if my neighbors are overhearing me play this song, and now think I am bullshitting them when I claim to not understand what they are saying. This song is really really long, so I am moving on early.

Kings Of Leon - California Waiting

This was one of the first songs I ever heard by Kings of Leon, and got me to start liking the band. Frankly I think this album "Youth and Young Manhood" is the best one. I know everyone likes their sex on fire, and there isn't anything wrong with that. I am happy for you, I mean, I like fires to start when I have sex too, big wildfires that destroy crops. But this album was a little more bluesy and raw.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California

Ok I know it's cliché, but this might be my favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song. I know it's overplayed, and it's use in commercials for guitar hero was the reason people bought that game, and then got sick of this song. But I am not a big fan of the strange psudo-rapping the lead singer does on many of the other songs. Singing quickly is a different thing, but I don't like the pacing of a number of other songs. Anyway why am I trying to defend myself here? You like the song too, you know you fucking do, don't bullshit me ...you can't bullshit a ...me. Also it has some awesome guitar work at the end of the song, and that's always a nice way to end off a song. Better than just sticking it in the middle, and then going back to the same format and fading out.

Roy Orbison - California Blue

This is probably my favorite Roy Orbison song. That pretty woman bullshit? FUCK THAT NOISE. This man has possibly the best voice ever. You could frost a cake with that voice, and it wouldn't suck unlike most frosting that is just too sweet and gross. But the reason I like this song so much, is that it's sad, and reflective, but also hopefull, whereas "Pretty Woman" is so one dimensional, ok there is a pretty woman, yeah there are plenty of those. Yeah I get it you want to talk to her, fucking do it already dude. Have there ever been any good relationships song where the two people haven't even spoken? In this song he doesn't even talk about her looks, because he doesn't fucking have to, she knows how he feels about her. And so do you listener, It's making him California Blue.

Vampire Weekend - California English

Well this song sounds awful. And I love Vampire Weekend, I like to blast "M79" as I drive down the street, because it makes me feel like some little prince or something. But this song? Ew I think they just used autotune. Oh god this is getting worse by the second. What a horrible way to end this list of songs. I don't think I head this song before now, and I didn't realize they had lost their touch so much. Well I hope things get better for them.

Well that's my entire library of songs with California in their titles. It's been a journey, and now I am back to listening to Planet Money.

United Airlines War on Style

Sun, Jul/22/2012 By: george

So I recently took a trip back east. I went back to Providence Rhode Island and to the Cape Cod area of Massachusetts. This trip required the use of several airplanes. Now air travel is no great experience these days, but I have to say the worst part of it was my fellow Americans. I flew out on the 4th of July, and the majority of the passengers decided to celebrate their Independence day by donning flip flops. I'm not asking for a lot of effort, but when you are spending 8 hours in public, wear some fucking shoes.

In the great podcast Jordan Jesse Go Jesse Thorn makes the point that while some complain about having to take off regular shoes in security, is it really that hard to tie your shoes ONE EXTRA TIME?

The airport lobby was bad enough, but then I get on the plane, and United Arlines itself is promoting dressing like an idiot. Check out this article in the United Airlines in-flight magazine. Now I am no expert on Japanese fashion, but I am pretty sure it doesn't consist of just ignoring all western conventions, and wearing clothes that don't fit. I mean look at this idiot, he's basically doing all he can to look bad.

I suppose that's all I have to say on the matter, just wanted to let you know it's ok to look nice in public. Really it is.

George Coffey Dislikes..

Sat, Jun/23/2012 By: george

Something disturbed me on Facebook today. What a shock right? Being that the once interesting social network is going to hell in a market basket.

Before I get to the thing I witnessed, I feel like discussing my annoyance with Facebook. It seems that the majority of the 'timeline' consists of links, photos, and re-re-re-shares (or whatever the Facebook term for retweet is) almost devoid of originality or at least humor. Remember all those hackneyed jokes during the rise of social networking? They went something like "I don't care that your lunch was x and y", substituting x and y for more or less hilarious words, depending on the comedian. At this point I would love to know how your lunch was. What I don't care about as much is what outdated internet mime you like, your over process image of something normally mundane, or 21 photos that serve to illustrate how some people set up horrible situations that good people now have to deal with. Interesting things happen in our lives, let's focus more on that than just re-posting something the thousandth time.

So I digress, as I said I would do not more than one paragraph ago. The thing I saw today was just a little too much:

So apparently 10 of my friends 'like' Walmart. What the fuck? Walmart? Well I don't want to be to quick to judge, maybe they recently did something commendable ( like target), and people wanted to show some support. That could be, let me just fire up google news, and see what Warmart has been up to. Maybe something they did earned some love.

Was it Bribing Mexican officials to open stores?

no?

How about Technology Unit Co-Heads to Leave Company?

Maybe if you didn't like them.

So how about shopper freed after super glued to toilet seat

This is pretty nice of them, freeing people stuck in their bathrooms.

Maybe it was being sued for denying insurance benifits? Walmart supply workers complaining of mistreatment by contractors? , a Walmart consultant posing as reporter at events opposing them?

You mean none of these stories that came out this month inspire you to like the company? I guess it's just that rollback smiley.

To be honest there was one story about how they hopefully transform farming to be more green. In an effort to combat the feeling that they are not a very environmentally concerned company.

Well then it wasn't news that drove people to 'like' the company, I guess it was more for that uplifting experience that really makes you proud of your fellow man.

So being that it can't be any of those reasons above, this leaves me with two possibilities. (Well three, but I really don't want to even consider the possibility of people 'liking' Walmart ironically). They are:

It's the prices. In which case people 'like' and shop at Walmart because they want cheap prices and are such shitty people they don't even consider what the reason the prices are that low are.

And the other option, I think the real reason, is that Walmart is just part of their day. They 'liked' the place they got their coffee, they 'liked' every band they heard on the radio this morning, and would 'like' everything they recognized if it were suggested on the side of Facebook.

So why this whole post because 3% of my friends have liked a company that is, at best, mediocre? Cause it's amusing that's why. But in reality, Facebook makes it's money from advertising. Part of this is from 'promoted' pages like for example Walmart. For this reason there is actually a lot of power behind a 'like', the more of them a page has, the greater the value of that page to whoever is running it. Right now the Walmart page has 17 million likes. That means they post something, and that's how many people might see it. If you are reading this, and like that page, or any page that of some run of the mill company, you need to unlike them, and send a message, that until that company is impressive enough, they are not getting your attention.

You Are Special, Actually

Fri, Jun/08/2012 By: george

Ah cynicism, such a strangely attractive sentiment for some people.

This week, a week filled with pictures of hope filled graduates receiving diplomas all across the country, David McCullough, an English teacher from Wellesley High in Massachusetts finally had the guts to take on a group that's been getting away with shit for far too long, high school graduates. Oh how I've been waiting for someone to take them down a peg.

McCullough started strong with "So here we are... commencement... life’s great forward-looking ceremony. (And don’t say, 'What about weddings?'", as if he was expecting someone to hear commencement referred to as "life’s great forward-looking ceremony." and yell out "dude, what about weddings?". From there he went on with some vaguely misogynistic jokes about marriage, because apparently no speech can be funny without invoking gender stereotypes. As if no fathers would ever be misty-eyed, and no brothers ever jealous of a man preparing to tie the knot.

From here he launches into his main premise, that nobody is special. Apparently the problem was that the late Mr Rogers and his ageist character of "your batty Aunt Sylvia" have been telling children they are special. How dare they? But not to fear graduates, David McCullough is here to tell you that you are not special. Because aparently it's not as if life will make this point painfully clear for the rest of your years, and maybe hearing it one more time might be nice.

"The empirical evidence is everywhere, numbers even an English teacher can’t ignore." but apparently can't understand. Did you know, that because a lot of people graduate high school therefore no one is special? McCullough's "empirical evidence" basically boils down to the fact that there are a lot of people. This logic of "because there are other people, you are not special" would work even with smaller numbers of people, and yet he claims the "empirical evidence" is the size of the numbers themselves.

The next section of the speech is basically just a jumble of half formed ideas. McCullough counters an imaginary objection of “Walt Whitman tells me I’m my own version of perfection!" with "And I don’t disagree. So that makes 6.8 billion examples of perfection ... You see, if everyone is special, then no one is. If everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless" So I guess you are special, which means everyone is, which means nobody is. So if you have high self esteem, and everyone has high self esteem, then you don't have self esteem? I am not sure you know this David, but you can have 6.8 billion of something, and they can still all be different. I know that might not make sense to you, David, but that's cause you are special. As in, your are different from the rest of us in some way. I hate to think what might happen if everyone realized they had their own unique strengths.

He also makes sure to insult that item, loathed by cynical assholes everywhere, the award for participation. These are people that for some reason can't stand the thought that a 10 year old, might grow up thinking everyone is equal, and how awful would that be? Children are going to find out that some people are better at things than others, and probably sooner rather than later. Are you really that concerned that some schools might not be stressing this point every field day?

Well David McCullough is concerned. Did you know for example "we have of late ... come to love accolades more than genuine achievement"? This might be a good point if McCullough had replaced "accolades" with "money" but remember he only has the courage to insult high school students, not to say something controversial about the role of money in a very wealthy town like Wellesley Mass.

I think you really need to question the motives of people who this eager to tell people they suck, or re-post a commencement speech from a high school they didn't even go to with that effect. It's one thing to make a cynical remark, but the idea that McCullough took hours out of his day, crafting a speech to tell students he taught that they are not special, is a little disturbing. I can see him now, bent over a keyboard, "ohh just wait, until those little fuckers get a load of this".

Why are you special? McCullough says that "even if you’re one in a million, on a planet of 6.8 billion that means there are nearly 7,000 people just like you" which is true, except that you are actually one in 6.8 billion. People say one on a million because large numbers confuse people, some people get them better than others, (it's one of those things that makes some people different).

After the first half, the speech just blends into very standard commencement material, and the premise of "you are not special" is largely dropped. He already made his point though, and I hope you all stop and imagine, what could have happened had these students graduated high school thinking they were special.

Video Here

Other Aspiring Comedians Hate Him

Sun, May/27/2012 By: george

There is a type of internet ad I've been seeing a lot recently, and it displeases me. I am referring to the "this group of people hate them" tactic of advertising. I remember the first ones I saw were "Dermatologists hate her", and made the claim that a mom from the very same town I was in (and somehow also every town I happened to use the internet in), had discovered a secret to wrinkle removal. Her discovery is apparently the bane of those snooty dermatologists.

The tactic here seems to be to make you think of this as some sort of underdog story, the mom from the town your ISP is based in, fighting the man.

Funny side note, this "mom's" stroke of genius was to mix 2 skin care products together. The banner ad is for a company that mails you the 2 products every month for a hefty fee. By all means this is better, and a legitimate threat to a licensed doctor.

But anyway, back to what pisses me off. The sentiment in this mom commercial is "yeah fuck those medical professionals, they are just after the money". Which I was willing to ignore for that one. Today however I saw a commercial that said "language professors hate him".

So I gather that language professors have been racking in the cash by teaching people foreign languages in some complicated difficult manner, and now this guy has a secret method that is about to take all their business. I work in Beverly Hills, and let me tell you, it's just one language professor after another. This commercial paints professors as some crooked hate filled group who become enraged when progress is made in their field.

Banner adds are notoriously dumb, but it takes a really gross type of person to think hatred is a reasonable response to someone's discovery. Jealousy is one thing, but hatred? And it's one group renowned for their hatred it's professors.

I sincerely hope these ads don't meet with any success, but judging from their prevalence, I am guessing they must have quite a bit.

It's a whole different world out here.

Sat, Mar/10/2012 By: george

While the differences between the east and west coasts are not huge, they are certainly there.

Number One : Onion Bagels

Who would have thought that the thing that would annoy me first about the west coast would be onion bagels. Turns out that on the west coast they think all you need to do is sprinkle some sad dry onion flakes on a bagel and you're done. I don't know what kind of lazy fucking bullshit culinary school told you that was ok, but as a graduate of Johnson & Whales, I can tell you ...little about culinary tradition as my major was in computer support. Racists claim that Jews control Hollywood, but I find that hard to believe when I can't even get a decent onion bagel. Anyway, somewhere along Oregon trail or whatever the fuck caused people to move to LA, some lazy fuck decided that it was too much trouble to make an onion bagel actually contain onion. Probably someone who can't stand that cutting fresh onions makes them cry. To them I say, "get your shit together man, take some fucking pride in your bagel-making. Let the onions sit in some ice water for an hour before cutting them. The lower temperature reduces the volatility of the lacrimator compounds and hydrates the outer skin, making it easier to remove. ...you fuck." is what I would say. Maybe not in person.

And if that wasn't shitty enough, all the onion bagels have poppy seeds on them. I didn't order an onion poppy seed bagel, I ordered a onion bagel. I am not sure how you are not understanding this concept. Onion bagels only have onion, just like blueberry bagels only have blueberry and Cinnamon Raisin bagels only have Cinnamon and Raisins. And the raisins aren't on the fucking top. You what, just give me a salt bagel. As long as I'm eating empty carbs, it might as well be extremely high in sodium. My blood pressure is already high enough from my anger at you stocking only everything bagels and trying to sell them under the guise of their individual ingredients. Fuck this noise.

Note: The onion tip was from On Food and Cooking: The Science and Lore of the Kitchen by Harold McGee. Use that link to buy it and I get money.

Accents

While I actually did not detect much of a change in accent in most of the places I went, there is a distinct change in southern California having to do with how much people are shocked at my "lack of my accent". I would indignantly tell them that not everyone from Massachusetts is from Revere, but realize that only people from New England would get that. What I should do is point out that I don't pronounce the vowels in Brother and Father the same way, but I do pronounce the vowels in caught and cot the same way. From now on I am just going respond by saying the sentence "what a weird, square card" in as thick a Boston accent as I can manage.

I have noticed that what seems to throw people the most is my use of "mad" to mean a lot, as in "There were mad people all over the place eating mad amounts of food". But maybe that's just a personal tick.

When I knock on the bathroom door

Say something! Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you people? Lucky for me you have the sense to lock the door. If you don't say anything when I knock, I am going to try the handle. Anyone is going to try the handle. That's why people knock, to see if they should try the handle. No one likes to yell something while trying to shit, I get that. It's an awkward thing to have to do. But you know what's worse? Trying to shit while someone is jiggling the handle of the fucking bathroom. What do you think is going to happen if you ignore the knocking? Why would someone be knocking? Are they just tapping out a beat? No, they want to know if someone is in the bathroom because they want to use it. SO FUCKING TELL THEM. If you don't, they are going to think no one is in there, and they are going to try to go in. Then when they jiggle the handle, you finally realize "oh shit, someone is trying to use this bathroom" and say something. Were you just not sure before? I have had the good fortune so far not to have walked in on someone, but I swear to god if that happens. ...I am going to feel awkward, really awkward. And it's going to be your fault not mine. And then I'll say "oh yeah" in a creepy voice, just to make you feel even more awkward than me, so you learn your god damn lesson. And from then on, you know the polite thing to do.

And if you are wondering what you are supposed to say, it's "I'll be out in a minute". That's it, done. I'll stop knocking, and I'll even tell others not to bother knocking. Deal?

My Car Does All the Work

Fri, Feb/24/2012 By: george

Well I thought since my car is the one who managed to get me and a few hundred pounds of stuff to the other side of the country, it was worth a mention. Also because I have a lot of pictures of it in various places across the country. Turns out it's a lot easier to take a picture of your car than yourself.

Since I have no material for a real blog post, I spent some time to make a map. These locations are approximate because I didn't feel like sifting through google maps to find the precise locations.

1: Somewhere

2: Crossroads in Kansas

3: Aurora (outside Denver)

4: Rest area in Wyoming

5: Echo Rest Area in Utah

6: Rest Area in Utah or Idaho

7: Scenic overlook in eastern Oregon

8: Scenic overlook in western Oregon

9: Cape Blanco Oregon

Well that's pretty much all the pictures I have of my car. Hope you enjoy it.

I Have A Gay Old Time in LA

Wed, Feb/08/2012 By:

When I first got to LA I was trying to find a job. It was a pretty desperate search. Given how fast my money was running out, I didn't want to sign a lease on an apartment without getting a job. And as it turns out, with the heinous application process, it doesn't even seem possible to get an apartment in LA without several forms of proof that you have a job.

So I finally found a job working for The Fund for Public Interest Research. What kind of shady organization was this? Well given the results you find in Google when you search their name, A very shady organization. Basically they are hired by respectable organizations to raise money for them. So they go about this by lying to you, and paying you below minumum wage while telling you in the interview that you will probably make 14 an hour. Then then string you along until they fire you based on your last 3 days performance, instead of something silly like merit.

So I was assigned to raising money for The Human Rights Campaign. They are the nations largest LGBT civil rights group. I stood outside grocery stores and asked people if they had time for gay rights.

This really gave me a whole new appreciation for the plight of gays in this country. I was the regular target of rudeness, snide comments, and occasionally homophobic slurs. And while I was offended, it's a lot easier to brush it off when you are not actually gay yourself. And if I wanted I could always tell the people I was strait, and then they would get this confused look, trying to figure out why someone would care about the rights of people different than them (a concept that is apparently foreign to conservatives). But actual gay people don't have this luxury, they don't get to go home at the end of the day to a world that treats them as equals. So my heart goes out to all you queers, hang in there. I hope us Americans get our shit together and give you the rights you deserve, and at least there is a little good news.